Happy This ONE Friday!

Do you find yourself getting angry when others are reckless, careless, or downright irresponsible? Do you wish you had more patience, even when you feel you have zero tolerance for such behaviors?

Anger, when it arises, is trying to tell us something. It signals that something important—our values, rights, ethics, or minimum expectations—is being violated. This powerful emotion can drive us to speak up, take action, and advocate for change. When others witness our anger, they often recognize the significance of what’s at stake.

When our assessment of a situation is accurate—such as in cases of sexual abuse, racism, or favoritism—anger becomes a force for justice. It’s what I call “good anger.”

But what about the times when our anger may be misplaced? As leaders, we might become upset over a disappointing outcome and label a team member as “irresponsible.” Yet, the factors contributing to that outcome are often far more complex. What we perceive as “irresponsible” behavior might be a judgment rather than a fact. There’s a crucial opportunity to pause, set aside immediate judgment, and adopt a curious mindset to uncover the true intent behind the actions.

It’s also essential to check if we’re “elevating” minor mistakes—like missing commas in a presentation slide—to the level of core values and principles. If we are, then our anger might be disproportionate. As a rule of thumb, our responses should align with the severity of the incident.

But even when we understand all this, why does anger sometimes feel uncontrollable, especially when we know we need to be patient in coaching our staff and communicating with others?

Often, the root cause is fear. Fear that we’ll be dragged down by a poor performer. Fear that things will spiral out of control.

I used to get very angry at government agencies, airline delays, or refund processes when unexpected delays occurred. Once, when an officer told me I couldn't extend my China visa within the country and would need to fly to Hong Kong to re-enter, I became so agitated that I attacked the system verbally—something that could have gotten me into serious trouble. 

However, once I identified the underlying fear—that things might become uncontrollable—I shifted my self-talk. Miraculously, my anger dissipated, replaced by a newfound patience to persistently work through the issues. I would still follow up, complain, and take necessary actions, but the anger was gone. The key was a simple shift: reassuring myself, "Take it easy, situation will change, one way or another, somehow."

In psychology, anger is often not the primary emotion; fear is. When we give ourselves a sense of safety, our anger eases. We become less threatened, less panicky. And in that space, we find patience.

Question For You

What fear is underneath your anger? It's time to discover it. Is the fear an appropriate response to the situation, or is it outsized?

If you are wanting to better manage your anger, let’s talk.

Until next week,

Yolanda Yu
Coach and lifelong learner

​

Past issues

This ONE – How trustworthy are you?

This ONE – Specificity in action: From Drama Class to Strategic Thinking, Leadership, and Managing your boss

This ONE: Competition and the matter of envy, jealousy, peer pressure, and external validation

This ONE: Office politics, toxic environment, and other people’s judgment

This ONE: From the gym, harnessing creativity in flow, and focus with my ADHD brain

This ONE: What’s the point? The leadership grill, unstuck from tech roles, and job searching in a bad market

This ONE: On fulfilling career potential, how to be more assertive, and the powerful way to manage difficult conversations.

About this newsletter: You are receiving this email because you have engaged me as a coach or explored my service before. Please excuse me for taking the liberty of sending you the first issues. If you wish to unsubscribe from it, please reply to the email. I will remove you from the mailing list.

Every Friday, I share ONE idea and its manifestations and 1 question for you to ponder. Other ingredients you can expect will be book extracts, quotes, metaphors, tools, resources, and mini-exercises to keep growing your self-awareness.